Did I ever tell you about the hoarder that lived on Lorne Street?

You know

the old lady with the cat that ate rats 

that was kept in the closet with her fifty-something hats?

I think I told you about her “pet” mole 

that ate a hole in the sole of her bowling shoes?

Or maybe I’ve mentioned her older sister, who

visits every few months or so, 

just to rub in her face that she’s got dough?

Oh, you didn’t know?

Yeah,

her sis was on some sort of a game show 

where contestants were given some scissors, 

10 minutes, 

and a really large lawn to mow. 

She walked out of there with a big bag of money in tow.

Anyways,

I just heard that she died (the hoarder I mean).

The other day that rich sister of hers came to visit,

and knocked on that big, brown door a few times,

and when that didn’t work, she pounded on that old, oak wood, 

and when that didn’t work, she swore to the Heavenly Father (who art in Heaven)

that if little sis didn’t answer the door on the count of ten,

she’d kick it in and would stop paying her rent.

So she started counting.

One,

I swear

two

God, you better open this door in under

three

seconds because I don’t want to keep counting 

four

I will kick this door down and

five

you right here in the yard. I’m

six

and tired of your childish games. It’s been

seven

months since we’ve last talked. Stop acting like you’re

eight.

You know I don't know how to say

nine

to you because you’re my little sister and I just want you to be happy.

Ten.

Then she kicked the door down.

What she saw in that house up on Lorne Street, we'll never know.

They said it took her 2 hours to find her sister

laid up in bed,

and that she was purple from toe to head.

The paramedics rushed her to the hospital (the hoarder I mean),

but it was much too late and she was pronounced dead.

I heard her sister wouldn’t leave the hospital for a few days.

They gave her a gown, let her lie down, and fed her applesauce.

Apparently, she’d say the same thing anytime a nurse would even look at her.

I think she'd say something like, 

“To live hereafter is the greatest loss.”

But the reason I brought that up

was because they’re having a yard sale tomorrow, 

and selling all her stuff (the hoarder’s I mean).

Did you wanna go?